THE TurkeyHat Sweet

Year end list of shit

New technological shit that sucked: I-Phone, PS3, Nintendo Wii, Blu-ray vs. HD-TV, Windows Vista, et al. Any of you that were excited for this shit or waited in line for it are fucking retards. Destroy your tv. Keep your cell phone though, it's handy.

Best movies you might not have seen: Little Children, The TV Set, Children of Men

Worst movie you did not see: Killer Drag Queens on Dope

Best album: Rod Stewart, Every Picture Tells a Story (1971). If I had never heard it, it's new to me.

Biggest Reason I don't watch tv: obsession with celebrities going to rehab. Note: Best Rehab entrance: Tie (Isaiah Washington rehabbing his potty mouth and Rep. Foley rehabbing his faggish tendencies)

Most Boring shit on tv that won't go away: Iraq; anything on cable news. Seriously, stop watching that shit.

Most Popular Genocide Because it's sexy: Darfur

Worse Genocide that's overlooked because it's less sexy: People's Republic of Congo.

On-going debate that was finally resolved: it's called pop, not soda.

Best (only) book I read: Christopher Hitchens, God is not Great. Any person that talks about his "values" or calls himself a "church-going man" is a sack of shit.

New Year's Resolutions: lose 50 pounds, turn gay if I haven't kissed a girl by March, join the Army, become a total nihilist. And pass the bar.

Please provide your annual "Best of" decisions, but don't bother if you're going to say Arcade Fire had the best album and No County for Old Men is a great movie. I read that shit all day at work man.

Apparently, Lincoln was a dick

?

Any comments on the Chuck email?

Local Santa Arrested

SANTA'S FACTORY, North Pole (Agencies) - An Imperial Stormtrooper commando broke into Santa's Factory on the North Pole yesterday evening, killing an undetermined number of elves, arresting the owner and confiscating his sled. Joe Kwazansky, local spokesman for the Evil Galactic Empire in Los Angeles, appeared in a press conference this morning confirming the rumors of an Imperial takeover of Christmas' celebrations. "The Emperor wants to assure His subjects that Xmas will continue as planned. The pug-nosed fatso, however, will pay for his crimes," Mr. Kwazansky said amid the palpable shock in the press corps. Apparently, the arrest has occurred in connection with earlier reports on the manufacturing and stealth placement of Weapons of Mass Destruction:

Answering questions about the causes of this assault and Santa Claus' detention, Mr. Kwazansky pointed out that Imperial Intelligence had undeniable proof of Santa's production of WMDs at his factory located near the North Pole. "He is also a perv, you know," he added, "a guy who goes around his house clad in red velvet and has underaged boys assisting him all day long. Illegal sex? Forced labor? You gotta be kidding. We have the patent on forced labor too. Ask the wookies."

Later in the press conference, Mr. Kwazansky, 48 years old and still living with his parents, revealed that Santa may have been stealing industrial secrets from Imperial-exclusive defense contractor Sienar Fleet Systems. "And what's with the bloody flying reindeers anyway?" he said, "how the Force do they fly? I bet they have Twin Ion Engines up their butts. That's classified technology, people. Fatso is finishing his days in the Great Pit of Carkoon, I tell you." The spokesperson left the stage laughing maniacally, muttering something about how Santa was going to suffer for all those years of coal back at the Imperial Orphanage.

Commenting on the strike, UN's North Pole representative Kalle Jugercømmandersson said that "we don't understand this act of unprovoked agression. The North Pole has been weapons-free since 1959, when Timmy the Polar Bear was killed by a drunk seal using a 38." Then, he started sobbing, crying "and we are not little boys! We are little grown men!" out loud.

Lord Darth Vader was unavailable to comment at the time of this report.

(Photo of Santa being taken to an Imperial Shuttle—or something like that—courtesy of Michael Sibbernsen)

Heh.

The time is nigh

I think... wait... yeah, I just got a huge stiffy.

Somewhere, somehow, geeks are doing things with their nerd lives (unlike me).  This guy chose to make a sweet model of a busted up AT-AT (Empire Strikes Back).  I think I need to get into modeling and miniatures.  Model making that is, not actual modeling.... unless I was modeling sandwiches, or peanut butter.  Like a hand model, but fatter.

 

Thanks to Geekologie for putting this up.

Ben Churchill, Internet Genius

When Ben finds a funny video, he sends it to me with a subtle message encouraging me to post it.  He has yet to discover the magic of embedding videos.  (His air guitar skills, however, grow curiously stronger.)

Pretty soon this will get old, but not yet.

I am JEREMY

Elizabeth and I followed in Randy's footsteps and saw Beowulf yesterday.  I agree, it was good (though, if you can't make it to a 3-D theater, I would recommend waiting for DVD).

Also, as a result of this viewing, I have decided that every time I succeed at something difficult or awesome (like fixing a really broken computer or getting an A on a B-School test) I'm going to yell my own name.

Holoaust extras

I just watched Band of Brothers for the first time. In the scene where they found the concentration camp, I was horrified. But I was mostly wondering, how did they find so many people that looked so emaciated? I mean, all those hundreds of people didn't do Christian Bale-shit and lose weight so that their bones were sticking out, did they? How do you cast hundreds of people that look like that?